Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Helper Monster

I'm still not sure why or how things ended up the way they did. The world is a huge place and we don't get to connect to very many people in it. Right now I'm trying to decide how to get on with life, how I'm going to find a job, how I'm going to deal with having a job. I guess just coping with how I'm going to cope. I'm worried about being alone, even though I know that's not going to happen. I'm worried about getting hurt again. I'm worried about hurting someone else. Some parts of me want to sit inside away from the world, just to be sure I don't step on anyone's toes.

Then there is my too good for it's own good memory. Half my music collection is unlistenable because of memory ties, it's worse this time than the last. And the little things, little actions, words, phrases, places. I got angry at a book the other day because I hated that it had a happy ending, when it should have been neutral.

I sometimes see hints of the person I want to be, I sometimes feel the motivation that I always dreamed I would have. But then I think, I could just go play that game or watch that show. And I put down the book and close GIS. I guess that's the problem with me, I am not a self motivated person. I always thrived off of the needs of others like some sort of helper monster.

I guess that's what I am, a helper monster.

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